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From Her and Here

by Lastletters.

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1.
I dreamt again of the end, the world was wild and on fire. I woke up feeling safe for once. Just for once I wish could describe this the way my mind did without getting too caught up in details, the sheets and the blankets.When I start to feel estranged, without a purpose or a place, I will wonder why I came if I was never meant to stay. We exist upon this threshold, life is ours to behold and death is always breathing near.
2.
This is the last time I will see your face. I’m holding these moments closer than I have ever held anything in my life. I know with given time I’ll understand the importance of our goodbyes. This is the last time you will see my face. Where will you carry it to? She’s alive in my heart... but it hurts so much to hold you this way.
3.
Away 02:56
I’ve dreamt of taking you out past the cities, driving until you realize that like these roads there are no ends. No matter how this stops or slows, you must always know we are timeless, we’re only limited by ourselves. No death or life could ever come between us. I will be with you, I’ll be beside you with life and time dissolving in our eyes. How long before we can find purpose in this, the constant shifts in our lives, the perfect arrangement? We’ll always be a part of something greater than this, something real, and I can feel it now. Where will we go when we finally leave here?
4.
“I put my love in the ground before I ever met my love and I’ve convinced myself that nothing on this earth will ever be enough.” So when the petals fall upon your chest and the earth makes do of what is left, tell me all your fears were worth being kept. Tell me this is what defines you, tell me this is what makes you who you are. No one’s going to save us, we are all we have. No one’s going to find us lying sleepless in our beds. We’ll never get back the time we’ve wasted hating ourselves and always wanting more. Fuck what once was, fuck what will be. If I’m suffering now, it’s only because I’ve been focusing on these things. I’m caught somewhere between where I once was and where I’ve always wanted to be. “Love is just a picture that we hang in admiration, abstract and up for anyones interpretation. For me it’s always been black and white, the silhouette of a figure lying on it’s side. It’s been so long since I’ve seen color in my life.” But it goes on with or without us. We’re young, we’ve only just begun, but we’re giving up because we’ve been waiting so long and still nothing has come. We separate ourselves with all that we think and feel. They’re gathering flowers for us, a wreath for our despair.
5.
I was wishing for roses. I was praying for petals surrounding something special, along the surface of the water. But nothing ever comes. No, no one ever comes. Into the years of isolation... I’ve been completely alone. In some subtle way I’m begging for the day when that “something” is no longer missing. These are my dreams unfulfilled: This expression of love I’ve kept to myself is useless and faded now, I’ve given it up. I have never loved. There are times when i wish i could confide in someone, or something, but somehow I can’t reach that place. Here I am again searching for direction I can’t find in myself. When I look to the world for some kind of connection all my faith just drains away. I remember feeling most alive when she kissed me and I said goodbye. Those were times when I felt that I could never escape. I was holding on to what was safe despite the need to separate. Sometimes bonds just won’t break. But I walked away from that familiar face, I knew that lonely times would await. I walked away because I never found my place... And I’m still searching. Still dreaming of the beautiful ends but they’re nowhere to be seen, they are always out of reach. I’ve chased this dream, eager but exhausted, through so many sleepless nights. The longing never stops... Waiting for something great, for more than life can give.
6.
Watch as it falls away, far from our reach. What good is memory when we don’t speak?
7.
It was a Saturday in my mother’s room, when I wrote this to confess to you. I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and this may seem like a bit too much, but I think it will help. Lately, things have been getting rough. I don’t know where to go with the way that I feel. If I told you once I guess that wasn’t enough. I’m still faced with the same old flaws, hoping one day to resolve them all. There will be no trace of me to follow. There will be no trace of me at all. I move through life like a ghost through a field of fallen snow. You’ll find no trace of me at all. So where do you go when you’re on your own, when the very thing that makes you who you are lends to an emptiness you can not ignore? Because the people that surround me now all lost their faith in happiness. We’re all losing ourselves to this bitterness. When nothing ever seems to change, when no one ever comes your way, when home is just a place to stay, you’ll lose yourself to the same old ways. I’m tired now, I must admit. It takes a lot to live with this, but I promise you I will never quit. What am I to do with all of this time? All those details I remember way me down as I close my eyes. Even in my dreams there is no place to rest. Every moment carried over, each day like the rest.

credits

released May 1, 2012

Written By: Lastletters.
Recorded By: Adam Chichocki at Timber Studios
Mixed/Mastered By: Jay Maas at Getaway Recording
Additional vocals on "Just Outside the Reach" by Lisa Zalenski

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Lastletters. Bayonne, New Jersey

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